Jessica

2009-09-29T23:29:00.002-06:00

So it's been awhile, eh?

Well, the summer has flown by. School and work ended up sucking up most of my time. Thats okay. I prepared myself to be extremely busy. Still though, it has worn me down. But, I am almost done. Really...it's about time. I am ready to be done with school. Yes, it will be bittersweet and kind of strange. I am longing for a normal job right now. I never thought those words would be coming out of my mouth. eeek.

a little bit longer.

I am so glad fall is finally made its way to Nashville. I have missed it for the past year. Its the one season i get uber excited about.

I fully welcome: jackets, scarfs, chai, hats, football. sigh.

this season will be a good one.

2009-07-17T22:26:00.002-06:00

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tonight has been a good night. I am relaxed and content. I have been listening to a slow, romantic, night time mix that I made a couple days ago. Brittni and I made some tea. It has just been so good. It is what I need. I need these time to reflect on what is going on in my life. Otherwise, I become blinded by business. I will live in a state of chaos until I sit down and evaluate things. I just need my recharge time. My "me" time.

I love the quote above. Oh Ralph, you are just too wise. There is something to be said about the power that lies within an individual. A person has the power to love and the power to kill. We have to power to make decisions that affect the rest of our lives. Yes, the past does have some power over us, but we cant change it. It is nothing compared to what is in you right now. Aperson can look at the future in the same aspect. They let their plans and their obsessive dreams take over them. They don't let the beauty and spirit that is within them at that very moment come out because they are saving those for something bigger and better. There is something of value, of power, of mystery that lies within us all at this very moment. To some it may be scary to let loose and let this take over.
I do not want to live for some picture perfect future life.
So, in my own words or some other guys.
"Go big or go home"
Why not?

2009-07-12T22:27:00.004-06:00

There is nothing like summer. It's so good. Even though the temperature and humidity make me think that I live in the depths of hell, it's still all good. I love grilling out, drinking beer, and having the best talks. It really has been a great summer so far. Honestly, I believe it has been so good because I have been so poor. I don't have the money to go out on the town and eat at all the cool places. Instead I sit in my backyard on my swing and read. Or eat at my picnic table for dinner. I cook my own food and make up my own entertainment. It's very freeing. I wear shorts and t-shirts and don't have to worry about looking trendy and cute. I just do what I want.
I love it.

Latley, I have come to realize the happiness that people bring. I think for a little while I had become a cynic when it came to people. I doubted many and looked down on some. This attitude really brought me down. So I think I just got sick of living like that and here I am now. Why not just be nice to people? Even if they have done stupid things. Some people don't understand this though. They believe that they need to fight their way through life. Which I guess could work for them. Yes, I do believe that there are moments to stand up for yourself. But there are also moments to just be quiet. To just sit back and let things work out.

If anything during these past few weeks, I have had a renewed sense of being. Of hope. I have realized that I am in life right now. That this life right now deserves my attention. I am a chronic daydreamer. I mean it's fun and all, but sometimes I forget about where I am at this moment.
I want passion for the everyday, the here and now.

“All of life is a foreign country.”-Jack Kerouac

2009-07-01T21:30:00.002-06:00

Lately I feel as though I have been coming to my own. I feel at rest and at ease with my life. Its kind of a relief considering the past 2 years of my life have seemed in a sense chaotic. I think school has really helped me realize this. I have never been one much for commitment. I mean if you were to take a peek at my life you would probably notice a pretty restless trend. I think that school has made me finally commit to doing something. I realize that its not always best to settle down and do "normal" things. In fact I am an encourager of most people stepping out, doing, something, and seeing the world. For this time in my life I feel like living in one spot, going to school and being challenged is the right way to go. I feel rested and re cooperated. Its relieving in a way. I love being able to learn again. My brain is being stimulated and challenged. I love it. I find myself really wanting to do well. I'm not doing a half-ass job. I am really going for it. I think that maybe I am growing up or at least becoming responsible for myself and my actions. Needles to say, I feel good. The great thing is that I will always be open for change. I will always be open for adventure. I cannot deny that those elements are an essential part of my being. I think just going into this stage in my life with so much less worry and fear is going to change everything. It gives me sense of relief to not try and fix everything. But to just let itself work out.
This past weekend was a good one. I came out feeling refreshed and revived. Also it reminded me of all the stuff that has happened to me, how I am here now and so much better for it. I am thankful for conversations that fill my lungs with fresh air.
I am happy with where I am.

So I leave with a quote that has come to me many a time on my Starbucks cup.

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating — in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” - Anne Morriss,

Back to Writing

2009-03-29T16:10:00.003-06:00

Well, I have been out of writing commission for a little while now. I figure its time to get back in it. Some things have happened since I last wrote. I moved out of my house and now live in Nashville. It feels good to be on my own. I do miss the comfort of home on occasion though. I am going to go to school in mid-may to become and esthetician. I am pretty excited about it. It will be good to learn some new stuff and be challenged. I will be out of the routine that i have been in. I am so ready for this change. Just a little update on the happenings of my life.

Seriously though, I need to start writing again. It my outlet and I have been ignoring it. It helps me process everything so much better.

so that's that.

lovejess

2008-11-25T21:33:00.001-06:00

Inept

Austin C. Bonds

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." —Oscar Wilde

"If you load responsibility on a man unworthy of it, he will always betray himself."
—August Heckscher

When I have time, I continue the process of home improvement. Earlier this week, I decided to undertake a task I usually detest: removing clutter. Actually, the better description is donating. I scoped the house for items not in use, clothes I no longer wear and trinkets without value. Inevitably, while looking through personal memories, I discovered my senior letters. Days before I graduated high school in 2000, I enjoyed breakfast with classmates while we simultaneously reading the thoughts of others. Most of the letters consisted of praise, prayers, thanks and support. Oddly enough, I discovered these notes in this time of reset, hesitation and uncertainty, causing me to question my significance and whether I'm making an impact. Some people may think pondering such questions is silly, but times of refocus are necessary for growth, clarity and vision.

For many people, this question is never the subject of reflection. If "The American Dream" is the framework for life, the quest is simple: success by all means. But in moments of solitude, even the mighty reflect on life and whether significance is evident in character. Consider the glitz of Hollywood: It's simple to conclude success is defined by superior acting and lucrative income, but some think it's the perfect mechanism for awareness. For example, George Clooney and Don Cheadle continue to highlight the Darfur horrors. And, although he's only 52, Bill Gates recently stepped down from his position as chairman of Microsoft to turn his full attention to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. By doing so, he'll work to "reduce inequities and improve lives around the world." According to Forbes, Gates' net worth is $58 billion. The possibilities seem limitless.To make matters better, Warren Buffet (CEO of Berkshire Hathaway and friend of Bill Gates) also plans to give a large portion of his shares to the same foundation. It undoubtedly shrinks my vision for civic involvement when I ponder such efforts. But it also reminds me this world needs goodness like never before.

Meditations on ineptness are visible in the Scriptures. The word "inept" doesn't appear, but I think "unworthy" is a fitting substitution. Used in conjunction with "am not", the Hebrew word for this phrase is qaton and means "to be small" or "to be insignificant." Jacob and Job both utter this phrase when considering God's provision and love. For me, this meditation on ineptness concerns two realities: civil service and Kingdom living. Although service to others seems simple, finding the time can quickly complicate the drive for success. Recently, though, I found the time to work with Habitat for Humanity. I felt a little out of place while taking cues from home construction experts; however, I worked hard and humbly posed questions when uncertainty vexed me. Watching someone receive the keys to their first home, and knowing you helped, is joyous to the soul. Kingdom living is more complex, a fuzzy journey in the United States. The focus is sharing one's story with others and experiencing the internal metamorphosis. It's the exchange between apostles (teachers) and disciples (students).

I'm not using direct "church terms" in my journey because that's the problem: Theists who move through life with visible, spiritual frameworks can create barriers in language with others who hold no belief in the metaphysical. Conversations about the supernatural questions in life are necessary, but are they more effective after action? In other words, is authentic service to others a better conversation starter? Talk is cheap—action marks the spirit of others. Accordingly, the mark moves through the spirit, then to the mouth. The result is stirring questions: "Why did he (or she) do this?" "Why did he (or she) refuse my money?" It's easy to jump in with the quick response, but I wonder if this should also be reconsidered. The wise are marked by more questions and fewer answers—and they reply to questions with more questions. Letting recipients of goodness wrestle with another person's kind act compels thought and introspection, leading them to have an internal tussle about life and the story of reconciliation. The other thought to consider is knowledge: I believe it's to one's benefit to understand another person's position and to begin discussions with common ground. In the Scriptures, St. Paul notes this idea when he writes to the church in Corinth, interacting with numerous types of people. He "becomes all things to all men" to outline the story of liberation with the widest audience possible.

The tension concerning inept living is inside of everyone, but it's marked by differing levels of intensity and time. Sometimes life moves too quickly and I wonder how much I'm missing. Are the missed moments significant or insignificant? I wish to involve myself in the lives of others more. I wish to show others why I live like I do. Incidentally, I think thoughts like this induce the spirit of ineptness and not doing enough for a life of significance. And ineptness precedes unworthiness. However, the amazing reality God reveals is grace, this unusual truth: actions will not merit justification. Ironically, justified lives become concerned with good actions, showing others unmerited goodness.

While thumbing through my senior letters, I noticed a quote my mother’s grandmother shared with her: "I have to live with myself, and so I want to be fit for myself to know. I want to be able, as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye." I do not always like the reflection I see in the mirror, but I must stare myself down each day. I choose to recognize this truth: I am capable. I am willing.

2008-11-17T22:58:00.000-06:00

I want to live a simple life.

2008-11-05T19:32:00.000-06:00

You see the world that you want to live in and you live it out. You live as if that world has always been possible. Where love is the highest goal. Where grace restores. Where transformation is a daily way to live. Where passion for the love and redemption is the reason we breath.

I found this on Relevant and thought it was good....

2008-10-12T22:52:00.000-06:00

What Am I Doing Here?

Adam Smith

I sat on the curb outside the airport waiting for a ride that never came. Just 24 hours ago, I had been in the comfort of my Orlando apartment, surrounded by friends, shoving every earthly belonging I had into mildewy sea bag, capriciously tossing any article of clothing that wouldn’t fit. It had been hectic, but at least it had been familiar. Now here I was, sitting on a curb, the frigid wind a bitter contrast to the Florida sun I had come from. Auckland. It didn’t even sound real. It may as well have been Xanadu, El Dorado or Funkytown. Yet, undeniably, here I was. The opposite side of the globe from everyone and everything I had ever known, loitering on an airport curb in the cold wind of a country I had only seen in photos. How had I ended up here?

I had hatched this lunatic plan just a few months prior. After suffering through a divorce that blindsided me like a lead pipe to the back of the head, the most natural thing to do seemed to get away. Far away. I saved some money, bought a plane ticket and resigned from the best job I’d ever had before my visa had even been issued. Clearly, these were all the actions of a madman. Something about it felt imminently sane, though. It felt as though it was something I had to do more than something I wanted to do.

My reasoning was this: After an event as catastrophic as divorce, the best thing to do was go somewhere where I could get fresh perspective, entirely removed from the preconceptions of my old environment. Reinvent myself, so to speak. A fresh start.

The problem, of course, with fresh starts is that they can go either way. You can commit yourself to a newborn kind of innocence and opportunity, or you can throw yourself into the utter depths of depravity. When you go somewhere no one knows you, you can be anyone you want to be. You can essentially craft a whole new persona, and no one will have the background necessary to question it. If everyone initially knows you as a person of integrity, that’s who you’ll be. If, however, you decide to introduce yourself as a scoundrel, people will tend to accept it as one of your character quirks. It can even take on an endearing sort of novelty. Therein lies the peril.

It’s the age-old question of who you really are when no one is around to judge you. And, you don’t have to move across the globe to experience it. If I’ve learned one thing from my experience here, it’s that we decide anew each day who we’re going to be. We don’t just craft a well-practiced personality, good or ill, and then ride it out. It’s in the choices we make moment by moment. Will we live for God, point our actions toward integrity, or will we live for ourselves and the immediate gratification of the moment? Will we still live for Christ if there’s no one watching? It would have been very easy to come here and go off the rails. But, ultimately, I’ve learned firsthand how shallow and unfulfilling that really is. Instead, I want to set my course toward being conformed into the image of Christ.

So, what am I doing here? Hopefully, learning to actually stand for something even when I don’t have the pressure of people’s preconceived notions of me. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and it certainly comes with setbacks, but it’s one I’m determined to strive toward.

I'm choosing

2008-10-06T22:28:00.000-06:00

It is never wrong to choose to love somebody.

I read this online today from a persons blog and it really hit me. Love is a choice we have to make and we have to live with the consequences either way. It's just a question of how you want to live you life. I feel like I have chose too many time to not love. I don't like that.

Many of us are so wrapped up with callings or goals or how we want our lives to look that we forget what everything is about. We choose to be selfish, inward looking, indulgent. This life is in no way rewarding or feels good. It cheating over and over again. Its denying what God has for us and rather choosing what we want. What we "need."

I am totally speaking this to myself. Sometime I just have to get thoughts out of my head and into this for them to make sense to me.

Things in my life really seem to always come back to love. How do I treat people. How do I see people. How do my thoughts work. I want all of it to wrapped with love. Its hard to get there though. It seems it so easy to be negative and mean sometimes. It so easy for it to be about us.
But I cannot let those things conquer me.
Love Wins.
Plain and simple.

So no matter where I am or what circumstances life has put me in, my one goal, my one objective, my one purpose is to choose to love.

There is nothing wrong with that. No matter what it looks like.

2008-09-27T20:53:00.001-06:00

I cannot deny.
I am in love with Kings of Leon.

I have to go to their show in November.

It will be tragic if I don't.

long road

2008-09-17T00:08:00.000-06:00

It can be a real long road
It can be a lonely night
When you’re on your own
And you’re running out of light
It can be a real long ride
When you’re running out of time

So when the time is right
Don’t hold back
When the time is right
Don’t hold back

It doesn’t matter who you are
Doesn’t matter where you been
Doesn’t matter where you start
Only matters where you end
It can be a real long road
When I’m looking in your eyes
Give me just one more chance
Give me just one more try
When the time is right
Don’t hold back
When the time is right
Don’t hold back
It doesn’t matter who you are
Doesn’t matter where you’ve been
Doesn’t matter where you start
Only matters where you end
When the time is right don’t hold back

-griffin house, when the time is right.

I have been listening to his music on repeat. I just can't get enough.
I think fall may have arrived. Finally.
I fully welcome the following: scarfs, hats, jackets, leaves, pumpkins.
This time of year makes me truly happy.
Summer wears me out for some reason. But fall rescues me just in time.

2008-09-10T23:26:00.000-06:00

Passion.
That is what I want. Not the mushy lovey dovey stuff.
It is not so much romantic.
But the stuff that makes you feel alive.
That feeling of "this is what i was made for."
I have had those moments here and there. I have had conversations and done things that have made me feel truly awake. I feel as though I am still searching though. I know that there are certain things that make my heart feel full.

I do know that i am being taken care of.
God is way more concerned for me to find my place in this world than i could ever be.
so thats comforting.

jess

2008-08-12T22:45:00.000-06:00

Times are a changing.
I call this section in my life bittersweet.
To know how things once were.
To know how they are now.
To not know how they will be in the future.
Parts of me are in mourning I guess you could say.
I long for the freedoms of the past.
The care free nature that once was.
Now they say its time to grow up... I hate this part.
I'm in denial.
oh well.

This next year will be different.
New. An adventure in the unknown.
I'm ready.
So in the great words of a favorite teen movie "Bring it on." (its lame but true.. haha)

lovejess

ramblings

2008-06-03T21:24:00.000-06:00

This is what i call "mind ramblings"-

I want to be a better human. Someone who breaths life into others. Someone who is so full if life I burst at the seams. This is not a enthusiastic life that i am talking about, although its good to be overly excited about things sometimes. It is a life that inspires other to live. To search for meaning. I want for people to know they have purpose, they have reason. I want no more empty shells floating through life without thought or measure. I want humanity to be awake. Alive. I want people to feel that burning sensation in their heart. I want them to know the love I know. I want to journey with them. I want to connect them to their creator. I want them to know the deep desperation of being lonely, but find that God will get them through. there is god who is redeeming us. A god that is in love with us.

Humanity is a beautiful and wretched thing all at once. One day you will notice someone helping their neighbor. The next day they will be shooting their enemies. In these things we find hope and despair. We find love and hate. We find peace and war. Though its hard to see, God is in the midst of all of it. We wonder when it will end or actually begin. We are in it. We are living. Now we must make the most of it. We must stop drowning our reality out with noise. we must see this life as a chance to be the best human possible.

When I see humanity I see hope. I see a world that could be. We have a chance to make it great...or to live trying.

I am tried of the norm. The routine. I feel like a robot sometimes. Only when I step into my purpose do I feel truly alive. My purpose is to breath life into others. To give them a chance at a great life.

I am called not as a Christian but as a member of humanity to do this.

I struggle. I get lazy. We all do.

The least I could do is try.

In the words of Bob Marley- "Light up the darkness"

lovejess

quarter life crisis

2008-05-27T23:25:00.000-06:00

I think if I were to write what I am really feeling...it would burden you all.
So for now in true Jessica nature I am going to avoid it.

The holiday weekend was fabulous. Lots of old friends that are still friends.
And laughter. Oh the laughter. Boy do those people make me laugh.
It does seem that most of these people are either married, engaged, or heading that way soon.
I am so glad I opted out of this for the time being.
I sure do love those people though and they hold a special place in my heart.

Even though this weekend was great. When I think about these people I get sad and nostalgic.
I just wish everyone could live in one place and we could see each other. Then again life would get very boring.
I think I'm having a mini quarter life crisis... but I'm only 21.

oh life... you are so crazy.

lovejess

lament

2008-04-24T21:51:00.000-06:00

It's been a little bit... I know.
This past week my sister and dad went to Oklahoma to move my grandma out of her house and into assisted living. Her house is up for sale. The house my dad moved into in the second grade. The house I have so many fond memories in.
No longer will I be able to play whiffle ball or foot ball in her yard.
It won't be hers. It won't be ours.
It will belong to some stranger who will take advantage of all its Midwestern charm.
They will not know the times spent there.
This really upsets my heart.
It hard for me to let go of old t-shirts, let alone my grandmas house I have known my whole life.
I feel like a part of me is missing and I am in mourning.
It's hard to let go of things that have always been there. I am getting older and times are changing. Sure I like to think of myself as a go with the flow kind of person. I cannot apply that attitude to my heart, to things that are so deep.
Life is surreal in these moments. I wonder if this all really happening. It feels so strange.
I don't like it.
It makes my heart hurt.

I feel like so much has happened in the past year to me. My heart needs to heal.
I just need to let go and let it mend.

lovejess

take off our sandals

2008-03-29T20:57:00.000-06:00

I found this on Relevantmagazine.com. I really like her perspective and I pretty much agree with everything that is said in this article.

Hope in Unexpected Places

Andrea Bass

While eating dinner a while ago, the TV was tuned to Katie Couric as she hosted the nightly news on CBS. I get depressed watching the news. It covers domestic tragedies, reveals a higher body count in the war with Iraq, and reminds you that eating anything that tastes even remotely good will eventually kill you. I don’t think Katie Couric tries to depress me on purpose, but she always does anyway.

Looking at the state of the world, it is hard to see traces of hope sometimes. It is even harder to see glimpses of goodness and grace. I have been dwelling on this idea recently and have come to the conclusion that maybe it’s not that goodness is missing from the world, but that maybe I and others are simply looking in the wrong places.

There is this idea prevalent in Christian circles that God resides more inside a church building than he does in a mall or movie theater or truck stop. I have heard people say something, only to hear someone else say to them that they should not have uttered those words in church, implying that it wouldn’t matter so much if the words were said in the parking lot.

One of my favorite men in Scripture is Moses. I love that God called someone who didn’t really want to be called, who fought God so much of the time only to be used greatly. I love the verse in Exodus that says, “Do not come any closer. Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground."

The only thing I can think of that made the ground holy was that God was there, speaking to His servant. I believe that God speaks to His people wherever they are, making any ground where a believer steps holy.

So what does this mean, that all ground is somehow holy? I think it means that even though there is terror and tragedy in the world, there is also beauty. There are glimpses of God even in awfulness. I think it means that believers must realize that the Church is not a building, but is people. Church sanctuaries are not the only places that contain God; belief otherwise results in never seeing him outside those four walls.

I have encountered God in parks. I have met Him at coffee shops. I have seen His reflection in a dark movie theater. I have felt Him while driving my car. I have known His presence by turning the pages of a novel. God is everywhere beauty is, and beauty makes things holy.

God appears as often in churches as he does in elevators and hospitals. He is in the faces of people I love just as much as He is in the faces of people I don’t. He is in the art of believers just as much as He is in the art of those who don’t know Him at all.

Might we take off our sandals more often and take a look around us. May we kneel, in the midst of a confused, broken world and rejoice in the beauty and holiness our Creator allows us.

It's a wide wide world

2008-03-28T22:19:00.000-06:00

are you pacing back and forth?

have you wished for better days?

have you ever loved before?

that's not far away

i think you'll find a good life, i think you'll find a new love.
don't back down, little girl, cause you're gonna be alright,

step on out, it's a wide wide world and you're gonna be alright

you're a star you'll do fine

and you're gonna be alright and you're gonna be alright

gonna change the world some day,

but you wonder where to start

fillin' up the vacant spaces, just being who you are.

i know you've got it in you

there's nothing that you can't do

ooohhh, don't back down little girl, cause you're gonna be alright,

step on out it's a wide wide world and you're gonna be alright

you're a star you'll do fine

and you're gonna be alright and you're gonna be alright

even when they tell you that it can't be done

it's not even possible to live a dream without altogether changing

but keep on don't stop keep believin' in the faith,

they'rell be help along the way

hey don't back down little girl cause you're gonna be alright

step on out it's a wide wide world and you're gonna be alright

cause you're a star you'll do fine and

you're gonna be alright you're gonna be alright

"Little Girl" - The Daylights

pretty much sums up my heart right now.

Thankyou mrrcsmith for the photo.

2008-03-10T17:53:00.000-06:00

Sometime I wander what my life would have been like if I stayed in college. What would I have ended up studying? Who would I have hung out with? Would I have been a different person? Would my views be the same? Part of me is sad that I missed out on four years that could have been great. I feel like I have missed out on some cultural norm that everybody has been a part of. It seems that I am sort of an outsider. I wander "what if?" But I cannot wander my entire life. I have been given amazing opportunities that many people dream for. I guess my life is "different."I think that as cool as that is, part of me has this need to belong.
To belong to something bigger than myself. To be part of a community, a movement. Part of a people that are flowing in the same direction. Challenging each other, questioning themselves, and hoping that there is some meaning to this big mess of life. I want to be actively pursuing what is to come. To take life as it comes, but not be afraid to get it moving too. I long to know people and to love them. To converse and know their lives, to be in their lives and to love them for the life they are living. I don't want to just love someone because I want love in return. I want to love because some bigger force out there is propelling me to do so.
Something is underneath it all.
This is beautiful. God is pushing and pulling each of us. We connect. This makes life so much worthwhile to me. To know that we all be long to God and we are all worth each others time. Now it is time for me to live this life I so desire. I feel like I have been holding back. I can't anymore.
Life is a gift, but our time is limited. Why not do what I feel I am on this earth to do.
Love.

2008-03-02T20:46:00.000-06:00

I woke today and it was wonderful outside. I needed that. A little break from winter and a little taste of spring. It just reminded me of what this next season is bringing.
warmth. sunshine. outside.
I get excited just thinking about it.
We flew kites today after church. It was the perfect day for it. The kites did have some air time. I had a bald eagle with "real wing flapping motion." I was pretty great and lasted through the day with out breaking...which compared to the other kites was a feat in itself.
I have great friends who get excited about stuff like that. Which is great because I do.
It all works out.

So lately my heart has been so restless. I do know why. But it is. Sometimes I don't understand why my heart feels about things or looks at stuff in a certain way. I confuse myself.
Even in the midst of confusion... I know it will all work out.
Just from experiences and the things that have happened to me in my past I know that is so true. God has this funny way of surprising me in life. Sometimes I think I'm really dense. But His ways are higher than our ways.
I am so thankful for that.

I am thankful for today. For its beauty. For the joy. Thank you God for this breath of fresh air and a little glimpse of your beauty.

lovejess

key moments

2008-02-17T02:05:00.000-06:00

this is too good not to post.

"Listen. Your life is happening. You are happening. A journey, years long, has brought each of you through thick and thin to this moment in time as mine has also brought me. Think back on that journey. Listen back to the sounds and sweet airs of your journey that give delight and hurt not and to those too that give no delight at all and hurt like Hell. Be not affeard. The music of your life is subtle and elusive and like no other—not a song with words but a song without words, a singing, clattering music to gladden the heart or turn the heart to stone, to haunt you perhaps with echoes of a vaster, farther music of which it is part. The question is not whether the things that happen to you are chance things or God’s things because, of course, they are both at once. There is no chance thing through which God cannot speak—even the walk from the house to the garage that you have walked ten thousand times before, even the moments when you cannot believe there is a God who speaks at all anywhere. He speaks, I believe, and the words he speaks are incarnate in the flesh and blood of our selves and of our own footsore and sacred journeys. We cannot live our lives constantly looking back, listening back, lest we be turned to pillars of longing and regret, but to live without listening at all is to live deaf to the fullness of the music. Sometimes we avoid listening for fear of what we may hear, sometimes for fear that we may hear nothing at all but the empty rattle of our own feet on the pavement. But be not affeard, says Caliban, nor is he the only one to say it. "Be not afraid," says another, "for lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." He says he is with us on our journeys. He says he has been with us since each of our journeys began. Listen for him. Listen to the sweet and bitter airs of your present and your past for the sound of him… …Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace… …But I talk about my life anyway because if, on the one hand, hardly anything could be less important, on the other hand, hardly anything could be more important. My story is important not because it is mine, God knows, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories in all their particularity, as I have long believed and often said, that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally. If this is true, it means that to lose track of our stories is to be profoundly impoverished not only humanly but also spiritually. " Frederick Buechner from The Sacred Journey, Now & Then, and Telling Secrets

2008-02-17T01:10:00.000-06:00

My heart is split

and

I think India is to blame.

I will never be the same, think the same, feel the same. For some reason that is making life hard right now. It would be so easy to live like I have never seen pain and suffering. To live like I have never seen love come out of injustice. But I have. It would plague me for the rest of my being to ignore these things.

I have lived in two seperate worlds. "The world out there" and "My comfortable home." Both of them feel like home. But one I always feel unsatisfied in. I feel like I could be doing so much more. I feel that if I ignore this that I would be ignoring part of my very being.

I need direction. I need conformation. I need to figure this all out.

lovejess

“In the entire history of the universe, let alone in your own history, there has never been another day just like today, and there will never be another just like it again. Today is the point to which all your yesterdays have been leading since the hour of your birth. It is the point from which all your tomorrows will proceed until the hour of your death. If you were aware of how precious today is, you could hardly live through it. Unless you are aware of how precious it is, you can hardly be said to be living at all.” -Frederick Buechner

Drive

2008-02-04T23:07:00.000-06:00

I think that I hear God most clearly when I drive.

When all I have is the road and my music.
This is when I can listen to lyrics of songs and have them teach me something.
This is when I reflect on what is going on in my life.
It is when God puts dreams and desires in my heart.
It is when I can gaze on God's beauty...everything around me.
They are holy moments.
I can analyze my thoughts.
I can actually take the time to listen.

I want to learn to appreciate what I have.
The people. The things. The life.
God help me.

lovejess

ode to nashville

2008-01-22T23:51:00.000-06:00

Heath Ledger died today. This makes my heart hurt. I hope he knew how cool he was. It's kind of surreal. People dying.

I went to coffee with Betsy and her mom. I invited my mom too. So we could have a mom and daughter party. She had to work.

It's fun sharing my Nashville world with those who have yet to experience it. I feel like I'm letting them into a piece of me. In saying that, i guess I'm saying: I love Nashville. It has a feel of it's own. It's diverse, yet down to earth. Coffee and music are the king and queen. Two of my favorite things. Style is a must and everyone is connected to someone famous in some way. That small town feel.
Yes.

A picture I took in Nashville.
I love that most telephone posts look like this in my town.
All covered in show fliers.
Bliss.

lovejess

on my own

2008-01-21T22:04:00.000-06:00

I feel like I haven't written in a while... maybe it's because I haven't. Well I figured it's time for me to get back to it. It really does help me out. I feel like I can process stuff so much better when I write it out. I also just like the idea of keeping my thoughts somewhere. I want to look back and read about how my life has changed. So this excites me. This blogger thing.

So, I guess I should write about my day. Today was a good day. Mostly. I got up and hung out with my nephew Rilo. He is so darn cute. I mean he could cute me to death... if that was possible. He makes me laugh a lot. After that I went back to sleep a little more. Oh the joys of being jobless. Then I got up again. I had to clean a little. Then I decided to go out. So I needed to apply for some jobs. I applied for like two... then got distracted. It was nice being on my own today. I went to Green Hills and went to Anthropologie and Whole Foods. I swear going to those places reminds me of a life that I don't have. Oh, and the money that I don't have too. Then I went back to my comfort, Cool Springs, and went to a couple places. It was a nice time. Highly enjoyable.

While I was driving today, I looked down at my hands. I realized I have woman hands. They aren't pudgy anymore or look kid like. Honestly it kind of freaked me out. Whoa.

Also, my mom wants me to be a flight attendant. My dad wants me to work at Kohls. I just want to do what I want. Only I have no idea what that is. Hopefully I will figure that out. We'll see.

lovejess