So it's been awhile, eh?

Well, the summer has flown by. School and work ended up sucking up most of my time. Thats okay. I prepared myself to be extremely busy. Still though, it has worn me down. But, I am almost done. Really...it's about time. I am ready to be done with school. Yes, it will be bittersweet and kind of strange. I am longing for a normal job right now. I never thought those words would be coming out of my mouth. eeek.

a little bit longer.

I am so glad fall is finally made its way to Nashville. I have missed it for the past year. Its the one season i get uber excited about.

I fully welcome: jackets, scarfs, chai, hats, football. sigh.

this season will be a good one.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tonight has been a good night. I am relaxed and content. I have been listening to a slow, romantic, night time mix that I made a couple days ago. Brittni and I made some tea. It has just been so good. It is what I need. I need these time to reflect on what is going on in my life. Otherwise, I become blinded by business. I will live in a state of chaos until I sit down and evaluate things. I just need my recharge time. My "me" time.

I love the quote above. Oh Ralph, you are just too wise. There is something to be said about the power that lies within an individual. A person has the power to love and the power to kill. We have to power to make decisions that affect the rest of our lives. Yes, the past does have some power over us, but we cant change it. It is nothing compared to what is in you right now. Aperson can look at the future in the same aspect. They let their plans and their obsessive dreams take over them. They don't let the beauty and spirit that is within them at that very moment come out because they are saving those for something bigger and better. There is something of value, of power, of mystery that lies within us all at this very moment. To some it may be scary to let loose and let this take over.
I do not want to live for some picture perfect future life.
So, in my own words or some other guys.
"Go big or go home"
Why not?

There is nothing like summer. It's so good. Even though the temperature and humidity make me think that I live in the depths of hell, it's still all good. I love grilling out, drinking beer, and having the best talks. It really has been a great summer so far. Honestly, I believe it has been so good because I have been so poor. I don't have the money to go out on the town and eat at all the cool places. Instead I sit in my backyard on my swing and read. Or eat at my picnic table for dinner. I cook my own food and make up my own entertainment. It's very freeing. I wear shorts and t-shirts and don't have to worry about looking trendy and cute. I just do what I want.
I love it.

Latley, I have come to realize the happiness that people bring. I think for a little while I had become a cynic when it came to people. I doubted many and looked down on some. This attitude really brought me down. So I think I just got sick of living like that and here I am now. Why not just be nice to people? Even if they have done stupid things. Some people don't understand this though. They believe that they need to fight their way through life. Which I guess could work for them. Yes, I do believe that there are moments to stand up for yourself. But there are also moments to just be quiet. To just sit back and let things work out.

If anything during these past few weeks, I have had a renewed sense of being. Of hope. I have realized that I am in life right now. That this life right now deserves my attention. I am a chronic daydreamer. I mean it's fun and all, but sometimes I forget about where I am at this moment.
I want passion for the everyday, the here and now.


“All of life is a foreign country.”-Jack Kerouac

Lately I feel as though I have been coming to my own. I feel at rest and at ease with my life. Its kind of a relief considering the past 2 years of my life have seemed in a sense chaotic. I think school has really helped me realize this. I have never been one much for commitment. I mean if you were to take a peek at my life you would probably notice a pretty restless trend. I think that school has made me finally commit to doing something. I realize that its not always best to settle down and do "normal" things. In fact I am an encourager of most people stepping out, doing, something, and seeing the world. For this time in my life I feel like living in one spot, going to school and being challenged is the right way to go. I feel rested and re cooperated. Its relieving in a way. I love being able to learn again. My brain is being stimulated and challenged. I love it. I find myself really wanting to do well. I'm not doing a half-ass job. I am really going for it. I think that maybe I am growing up or at least becoming responsible for myself and my actions. Needles to say, I feel good. The great thing is that I will always be open for change. I will always be open for adventure. I cannot deny that those elements are an essential part of my being. I think just going into this stage in my life with so much less worry and fear is going to change everything. It gives me sense of relief to not try and fix everything. But to just let itself work out.
This past weekend was a good one. I came out feeling refreshed and revived. Also it reminded me of all the stuff that has happened to me, how I am here now and so much better for it. I am thankful for conversations that fill my lungs with fresh air.
I am happy with where I am.

So I leave with a quote that has come to me many a time on my Starbucks cup.

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating — in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” - Anne Morriss,

Back to Writing

Well, I have been out of writing commission for a little while now. I figure its time to get back in it. Some things have happened since I last wrote. I moved out of my house and now live in Nashville. It feels good to be on my own. I do miss the comfort of home on occasion though. I am going to go to school in mid-may to become and esthetician. I am pretty excited about it. It will be good to learn some new stuff and be challenged. I will be out of the routine that i have been in. I am so ready for this change. Just a little update on the happenings of my life.

Seriously though, I need to start writing again. It my outlet and I have been ignoring it. It helps me process everything so much better.

so that's that.

lovejess

Inept

Austin C. Bonds

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." —Oscar Wilde

"If you load responsibility on a man unworthy of it, he will always betray himself."
—August Heckscher

When I have time, I continue the process of home improvement. Earlier this week, I decided to undertake a task I usually detest: removing clutter. Actually, the better description is donating. I scoped the house for items not in use, clothes I no longer wear and trinkets without value. Inevitably, while looking through personal memories, I discovered my senior letters. Days before I graduated high school in 2000, I enjoyed breakfast with classmates while we simultaneously reading the thoughts of others. Most of the letters consisted of praise, prayers, thanks and support. Oddly enough, I discovered these notes in this time of reset, hesitation and uncertainty, causing me to question my significance and whether I'm making an impact. Some people may think pondering such questions is silly, but times of refocus are necessary for growth, clarity and vision.

For many people, this question is never the subject of reflection. If "The American Dream" is the framework for life, the quest is simple: success by all means. But in moments of solitude, even the mighty reflect on life and whether significance is evident in character. Consider the glitz of Hollywood: It's simple to conclude success is defined by superior acting and lucrative income, but some think it's the perfect mechanism for awareness. For example, George Clooney and Don Cheadle continue to highlight the Darfur horrors. And, although he's only 52, Bill Gates recently stepped down from his position as chairman of Microsoft to turn his full attention to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. By doing so, he'll work to "reduce inequities and improve lives around the world." According to Forbes, Gates' net worth is $58 billion. The possibilities seem limitless.To make matters better, Warren Buffet (CEO of Berkshire Hathaway and friend of Bill Gates) also plans to give a large portion of his shares to the same foundation. It undoubtedly shrinks my vision for civic involvement when I ponder such efforts. But it also reminds me this world needs goodness like never before.

Meditations on ineptness are visible in the Scriptures. The word "inept" doesn't appear, but I think "unworthy" is a fitting substitution. Used in conjunction with "am not", the Hebrew word for this phrase is qaton and means "to be small" or "to be insignificant." Jacob and Job both utter this phrase when considering God's provision and love. For me, this meditation on ineptness concerns two realities: civil service and Kingdom living. Although service to others seems simple, finding the time can quickly complicate the drive for success. Recently, though, I found the time to work with Habitat for Humanity. I felt a little out of place while taking cues from home construction experts; however, I worked hard and humbly posed questions when uncertainty vexed me. Watching someone receive the keys to their first home, and knowing you helped, is joyous to the soul. Kingdom living is more complex, a fuzzy journey in the United States. The focus is sharing one's story with others and experiencing the internal metamorphosis. It's the exchange between apostles (teachers) and disciples (students).

I'm not using direct "church terms" in my journey because that's the problem: Theists who move through life with visible, spiritual frameworks can create barriers in language with others who hold no belief in the metaphysical. Conversations about the supernatural questions in life are necessary, but are they more effective after action? In other words, is authentic service to others a better conversation starter? Talk is cheap—action marks the spirit of others. Accordingly, the mark moves through the spirit, then to the mouth. The result is stirring questions: "Why did he (or she) do this?" "Why did he (or she) refuse my money?" It's easy to jump in with the quick response, but I wonder if this should also be reconsidered. The wise are marked by more questions and fewer answers—and they reply to questions with more questions. Letting recipients of goodness wrestle with another person's kind act compels thought and introspection, leading them to have an internal tussle about life and the story of reconciliation. The other thought to consider is knowledge: I believe it's to one's benefit to understand another person's position and to begin discussions with common ground. In the Scriptures, St. Paul notes this idea when he writes to the church in Corinth, interacting with numerous types of people. He "becomes all things to all men" to outline the story of liberation with the widest audience possible.

The tension concerning inept living is inside of everyone, but it's marked by differing levels of intensity and time. Sometimes life moves too quickly and I wonder how much I'm missing. Are the missed moments significant or insignificant? I wish to involve myself in the lives of others more. I wish to show others why I live like I do. Incidentally, I think thoughts like this induce the spirit of ineptness and not doing enough for a life of significance. And ineptness precedes unworthiness. However, the amazing reality God reveals is grace, this unusual truth: actions will not merit justification. Ironically, justified lives become concerned with good actions, showing others unmerited goodness.

While thumbing through my senior letters, I noticed a quote my mother’s grandmother shared with her: "I have to live with myself, and so I want to be fit for myself to know. I want to be able, as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye." I do not always like the reflection I see in the mirror, but I must stare myself down each day. I choose to recognize this truth: I am capable. I am willing.

I want to live a simple life.